A closer look...

*** A SCAR REPRESENTS HEALING AND TRANSCENDENTAL HOPE, AT THE SAME TIME ACTING AS A REMINDER OF PAST PAIN AND LESSONS LEARNED. SCARS REPRESENT INSIGHT...***

Celeste Botha and Megan Erasmus bring to us the stories of their lineage in the language of movement and music. These two coloured women embody the strength of spirit of a culture that had to adapt to survive harsh circumstances. Dance being the language of the heart they communicate the story of the journey of the spirit of their culture in its search for understanding its own identity and its emancipation during the past century. Celeste and Megan relate the stories of their own internal and external scars, juxtaposing their life experience with the encompassing relationship of their culture as related to other South African nationalities.Their colourful culture represents, in effect, all the nationalities of our country and acts as a reminder of our history at the same time as celebrating the beauty and triumph of the human spirit.

I am dark chocolate, with a small waist and big hips and behind. My face from afar looks Asian but as you come closer do you see the African flat nose that rests in the centre. My hair is dark, thick and bushy like wild grass scattered over a veldt.

Mixed I am...yes mixed...but with what?

I need to know and find out why I'm so unsettled in my own skin.

One night we got chatting away in Joburg. She wanted to trace her ancestors... she had similar questions to what I had, like what white and black are we mixed with, why do we coloured people settle for second best, why are there so many secrets on coloured families? The hair issue, skin colour, why are we always the "comedians" in society and lastly the serious issues around abuse of drugs and alcohol, violence within families.

We felt like we wanted to say something, wanted to do something to just cause a shift in the mindset behind "coloured".

The pain of colour because of the past political history is something that people are not willing to share... and I feel that should not be buried away. It needs to be exposed to light so that it can heal within the grandchildren and their children,....within me.

I want to be proud of my heritage and where my forefathers come from...for they brought me here. I want to have a true identity and move forth from here.

The Scars that have been kept secret for centuries have infiltrated in my life and I want to wear them proudly.

- Megan Erasmus

"Who are my forefathers I need to know. All the secrecy that's developed into scars...all needs to be discovered because those scars I want to wear PROUDLY."

SCARS

Presented by BREAKTHRU ENTERTAINMENT in association with Jazzart Dance Theatre...

Watch this space............somethings coming....

Well done!!

Everyone is so excited! Our dancers did an absolutely splendid job performing to the world at the Final Draw for the Fifa World Cup over the weekend. They represented Africa and SA to the full and we are all extremely proud of them.

3 days to go!!!

3 more days until the opening of this year's Dance Joint Student Concert!! Bring your family and friends to see a fun-filled show performed by our open class students and trainees...young and old, and all inbetween...there's something in it for everyone!

This event is also hosted and technically managed by the trainees, giving them a chance to try their hand at Stage managing, lighting, sound, etc.

So, if you haven't booked your ticket yet, get it now at any Computicket or Artscape Box office... or you can call Artscape Dial-a-Seat on 021 421 7695

Inside Information...

Just some inside info...The dancers are working very hard on an upcoming corporate gig at the moment. They will be performing at Final Draw for the 2010 FIFA World Cup, happening at the Convention Centre on the 4th of December. Exciting stuff!!! It's looking hot!
They will be performing various pieces alongside Johnny Clegg, Angelique Kidjo, The Soweto Gospel Choir, and the dancers of the hit show UMOJA.

Be sure not to miss the spectacle LIVE on one of the SABC channels!!!

Annual Student Concert on its way!!

Jazzart's annual Dance Joint Student Concert is coming up. This is the time that our Open class students(evening classes) get the opportunity to perform on a professional platform, be it their first time or not...
It also gives our trainees the opprtunity to work "behind the scenes". This could be choreographing, stage managing, lighting, sound, backstage work, costuming, etc.

Not all the performers are professional dancers, but this is their opportunity to shine on a professional theatre stage.

Book at Computicket or Artscape Dial-a-Seat at 021 421 7695

Contact John Linden for further information:
021 410 9848 or email dance@jazzart.co.za
Website: www.jazzart.co.za


Presented by Jazzart Dance Theatre

Supported by ARTSCAPE, Chiappini Charitable Trust, Department of cultural affairs and sport, Distell, Grandwest, Cape Culture ad Heritage Foundation, National Arts Council, National Lottery Distribution Trust Fund

That day, it boiled …

I am a calm person, who prefers to avoid conflict altogether so, for some, this piece of writing may seem inconsequential. However, I will try to explain why the following incident is relevant to the subject matter of PARTLY GOD.
Only once have I experienced the rush of adrenaline that pumps through veins before acting violently. I was 12 years old and two of my good friends had decided that it was a day to taunt and tease me. I don’t remember the reason for their actions; I don’t remember giving them a reason to do it … I think I was just an easy target and they knew I wouldn’t do much in terms of retaliation.
For some reason, on this day I felt the anger boiling in my blood. I had never before been so overcome with hatred and all of a sudden lost complete control of my usual passive behaviour! Without realising it, my leg shot out from under me and connected with the knee cap of one of my friends.
Her reaction was simply a laugh. I don’t know if it was out of shock or pity but it didn’t seem to bother her that much. I, on the other hand, was distraught. Mostly because I had acted so violently, completely out of character. I think if I were feistier as a person I would have continued to kick her until she cried and I got my point across, but the fact that I felt so bad about kicking her, even though she was initially being abusive, makes me think …
The amount of anger one has to be consumed with in order to act violently is frightening if you consider the brutal acts of violence that happen in our communities every day.
It’s painfully difficult for me to fathom that a human being can be almost entirely consumed by a feeling that one act of violence can affect the lives of many, even millions around them.
A feeling that cannot be classified in any simple terms … just a feeling that stabs us so deeply and creates so much adrenalin that the reaction is instinctively to inflict pain onto another. – Leilah Kirsten, Jazzart trainee

Faultless opening night performance

The Jazzart company and trainee dancers upped their game again - from dress rehearsal to opening night they drew on a reservoir of energy and strength they probably didn't know they had to produce a premiere that was nothing less than outstanding.
Alfred takes them through a focus exercise before curtain up to concentrate their attention on each other and the performance. They end up in a circle, facing inwards, holding hands while Alfred walks around the outside gently running his hand across their shoulders, connecting them. "Trust what you're doing; believe in it; you've done well," he says.
Alfred instructs them to take their lead for their bows from Chuma , the actress in the role of the protagonist boy child - "Soloists having the most important roles... we don't do that shit," he says. "Take it from Chuma... and you bow... and if you're lucky you'll take another one."
On opening night, they could easily have had a third curtain call. And it's difficult not to single out stellar performances. Chuma slips into her role so naturally it's as though it was made for her. Come to think of it, it probably was. And she looks like a Jazzart dancer in the closing routine!
The mother's solo; the Douglas throughout and especially his pas de deux with Refiloe; the gangsta scene; Shaun; Grant; - all brilliant... gut-wrenching... unforgettable...
Neo's band drives the emotion too; the music penetrates to the core of one's being.
The stark set comes alive with skilled lighting that, as Ina says, makes it look like a movie. "She (Lara) is so clever..." The costumes are simple, earthy and real; the messages exceptionally clear.
It was incredible to see how what was rehearsed in a confined studio space was transformed on stage. The stage was open; there were no wings and people were always visible sitting quietly, walking slowly or moving subtly in the background even if the focus was the action centrestage. The direction required great vision and contributes to what I think is the best production I've seen all year. - Debbie Hathway

Comments from the audience:
"Chuma is so natural she doesn't even look like she's acting."
"Grant looked like a superstar... they all did.
"I loved it."
"It's everything I expect to see in dance theatre."
"I loved the music; I love it when they mix rock with softer stuff."
"The still moments were awesome."

Misunderstanding

The writing his body spoke as he laid there spoke volumes of misunderstanding as he reached at the back of his mouth to find his tongue to explain, to say …
Violence is always looked at through one pair of eyes, the woman’s pair. Men are always seen as the initiators of violence. Men are never the victims, ’cos mos as they say it “boys don’t cry”.
When young boys are molested by their fathers or brothers they have to suck it up and take it like a man, as they say.
How does he find the words?
The words to explain the full event in detail. The words that could help him find the manhood … taken by his blood. − Nkosinathi Sangweni

What are you doing to help your child?

“There is a culture of violence in South Africa.” My ears pricked up as I tuned in half way through a Third Degree Plus episode presented by Debora Patta on etv recently.
Violence is a familiar theme on the show. It has featured criminals who become repeat offenders; protests over service delivery in the townships; xenophobic attacks that threaten free trade in the townships; missing and murdered children - the perpetrators are often never found… “A child goes missing every six hours in South Africa. The Western Cape bears the heaviest mantle of shame – it’s where almost half the missing children are from,” states a press release. “Is South Africa failing its children?”
Patta was interviewing a young professor (I didn’t catch his name) who was talking about fractured families … children watching their parents or guardians deal with issues through violence … non-communication … They are also influenced by their peers and the media − violence on TV, in cartoons (Tom & Jerry is a favourite example) and shows like WWF where viewers are warned not to try what they’re doing at home.
He said that bullying among females is increasing right now and to watch out for blue marks or bruises as a sign that a child could be being bullied at school. He encourages parents and teachers to form committees to investigate and stop such incidents but warned that some schools prefer to keep quiet about it. The same goes for people wanting to introduce drug projects at schools – some principals block them because they believe their school does not have a drug problem.
The professor said the constitution protects the child but that parents need to be involved. He said self-esteem was a big thing and a ‘cowboys don’t cry’ culture could hamper progress.
What are you doing to help your child? – Debbie Hathway

Overcome …

As someone who has never experienced much violence in her life, I find it very difficult to have an opinion on the subject. I can say, however, that I shy away in the face of it and would rather run or hide in a cupboard as opposed to confronting it.
Whether this is the better reaction to have towards violence is debatable in my opinion ...
On the one hand, running and hiding may be considered cowardly and weak but it also, very simply, does not entail creating more acts of violence. On the other, without necessarily reacting violently, by not facing up to it and dealing with this issue, how do we as communities and a human race overcome these cruel acts of hatred? − Leilah Kirsten, Jazzart trainee

Humans’ perception of violence

By Luke de Kock – Jazzart trainee

Violence is nerve-wracking and dangerous, and violence is so strong that people fear what could possibly happen to them if they are victimised by violence.
Violence is evil and dominantly physical. Violence is caused by alcohol, drugs, gangsterism, and the dysfunction of societies.
− 80-year-old woman

Geweld is iets wat niemand is; so gevaarlik dit mag ’n klein argument wees maar dit kan na n’ bloedbad toe lei.
Geweld maak ook dat die gemeenskap in paniek gevangeraak.
Geweld is ooral: op die televisie, in die koerant, jy sien dit waar jy stap, op die skole en universiteit, en in jou huis.
− 46-jarige vrou

Violence is an act of emotion, usually anger. It is a way of expressing emotion that is often uncontrollable and sometimes people do it for no reason or to get approval from peers. Innocent people get hurt unnecessarily by people acting violently.
Violence is blood, dirty, weapons, fire, drugs, and music…
− 13-year-old boy

The danger of narratives of hate

Narratives passed down verbally as well as emotionally and genetically – transgenerational violence.

I have to pass you my narrative
I’m sorry that it is one of shame
It was passed to me by my father
And before that by his father to him

You can wear it quietly
You can hide it somewhere on your person
You can try to peel it from your skin like an orange
But it will be there and it will be told

It is not yours, but it will become you
It is hungry and it will eat you
And it will kill you
As it has done me
As it has ... done me

How do they do it?

They come to Jazzart to learn. They leave as professional dancers ... actors ... athletes ... and so much more. What really sets them apart?

Rehearsal preview

"I'm sure if Lara wasn't working with Jazzart, she wouldn't be doing this right now." Alfred Hinkel addressing a preview audience in the company's rehearsal studios. "The production's at a very delicate point ... by no means finished ... We still have (a few days) in this space; and 1 week on stage." He introduces the main players:

Lara, director.
Neo, composer. "If you can sing, he will be your friend. If you can't, he won't be your friend," says Alfred.
Craig, set designer. A cathedral with a 2-metre ramp on one side. A platform to perch Neo and some band members. Another ramp that ends mid-air, incomplete. Gothic arches, some broken. Looks like it was bombed in WWII. In the background, a Coca-Cola billboard. "The Coca-Cola generation drives me mad ... American multicorporations watched Africans sell their souls," says Craig.
Asanda, Lara's assistant.
Prosper, from Zimbabwe, assistant stage manager. "If he smiles, you can see him," says Alfred.
Benny, lighting.
Tony, sound.
John, Sbo, Ina, Jackie, Ananda; the raft of choreographers.

We can feel the floorboards move underfoot as dancers thunder through some aggressive gangsta sequences. Bodies shrink backwards as this time it looks like they're sure to land on our laps. Dancers hurl themselves at a net strung from the ceiling. Fearless. Up and over; under. Crossing borders. We cringe as we wonder if, when Refiloe somersaults in that net being held taut by the entire company, she'll land safely. It's so intense we leave with headaches, feeling drained, emotional, speechless, awestruck.

"It's going to look stunning on stage ... one of the best of recent times." - Gregg
"It's nice to see so much masculine energy for a change." - Owen
"I didn't like the whities. What are they doing there?" - Glenda
"See you at the opening!" - Mandy

The war inside

PARTLY GOD is an emotional rollercoaster that follows a young man’s (Douglas Griffiths') search for his father (John Linden) and his journey toward redemption. On the way, he encounters a boy soldier whose wisdom helps him find healing within himself.
Award-winning actor and performance artist Chuma Sopotela gives an unforgettable performance as the boy soldier. She concedes that the role was a challenge. “A boy soldier? Where do I begin?
“For me, I’m not trying to play a soldier … I’m playing what I understand about what it would feel like to be a child forced to carry a gun," she says.
“I think about the soldiers in my own community … in Khayelitsha … There was a young boy, about 16 years old, who had an argument with his mother. He took a friend of mine’s car and was supposed to go and park it but he took it on a joyride instead. When we told him that was wrong, he responded in a violent way. We tried to reason with him but he wouldn’t listen.
“He’s a soldier in a way … fighting a war inside himself.
“We all have problems in our lives but it’s inhuman for him to react like that.” – by DEBBIE HATHWAY

When God Made Me lyrics by Neil Young

Was he thinkin' about my country
Or the colour of my skin?
Was he thinkin' 'bout my religion
And the way I worshipped him?
Did he create just me in his image
Or every living thing?

When God made me
When God made me

Was he planning only for believers
Or for those who just have faith?
Did he envision all the wars
That were fought in his name?
Did he say there was only one way
To be close to him?

When God made me
When God made me

Did he give me the gift of love
To say who I could choose?

When God made me
When God made me

When God made me
When God made me

Did he give me the gift of voice
So some could silence me?
Did he give me the gift of vision
Not knowing what I might see?
Did he give me the gift of compassion
To help my fellow man?

When God made me
When God made me

When God made me
When God made me

In the name of God

Questioned by Adrienne Sichel about this production’s title, which suggests the mantra "there but for the grace of God go I", director Lara Foot Newton nods. "It is all of those things. How many wars have there been fought in the name of God or in the belief that God's will be done?"

Extract from article published on ABC News Technology & Science, March 27, 2007:
Does believing that "God is on our side" make it easier for us to inflict pain and suffering on those perceived to be our enemies? If we think God sanctions violence, are we more likely to engage in violent acts?
The answer to both those questions, according to new research, is a resounding "yes," even among those who do not consider themselves believers.
Social psychologist Brad Bushman of the University of Michigan led an international research effort to find answers to these questions, and said he is very "disturbed" by the results, though he found what he had expected. Bushman has spent 20 years studying aggression and violence ... He wanted to take it a step further and see if simply exposing someone to a text that implies God sanctions violence would increase their level of aggression.
"I think many people use God as their justification for violent and aggressive actions," Bushman said. "Take the current conflict in Iraq as an example. Bush claims that God is on his side. Osama bin Laden claims that God, or Allah, is on his side."
... To find his answers, Bushman assembled teams of researchers at two very different universities, Vrije University in Amsterdam, Holland, where he also holds a professorship, and Brigham Young University in Utah.
Only half of the students who participated in the study at Vrije reported that they believe in God, and only 27 percent believe in the Bible. At Brigham Young, 99 percent said they believe in God and the Bible …
… the students read a description of the beating and raping and murder of a woman in ancient Israel. Half of the students read a version of the story that included an assertion that God commanded the friends of the woman to take revenge. The other half read a version that did not mention God sanctioning violence. Half of the students were told the account came from the Bible, and half were told it came from an ancient scroll.
"What we found is that people who believed the passage was from the Bible were more aggressive [than those who did not know it came from the Bible], and when God said it is OK to retaliate they were even more aggressive," Bushman said.
... "Even among nonbelievers, if God says it's OK to retaliate, they are more aggressive. And that's the worry here. When God sanctions aggression, when God says it's OK to retaliate, people use that as justification for their own violent and aggressive behaviour."
... his own research shows that whether people consider themselves believers or not, they are more likely to be aggressive, perhaps even willing to start a war, if they think God is on their side.

Creating under the influence

By DEBBIE HATHWAY
Psychological workshops formed part of director Lara Foot Newton’s preparation for PARTLY GOD. Tony Hamburger, a Johannesburg clinical psychologist, ran a workshop with the cast in which they had to sculpt a family. The outcome? Most of them share an uncomfortable relationship with their fathers … so absent fathers became one of the main themes of this production.
Jazzart’s Dance Joint director and teacher, John Linden, is a prime example. John’s father died in 2006, having never seen him dance because “dancing was not for men; only for sissies.”
At 53, John makes his performance comeback in PARTLY GOD as father to company member Douglas Griffiths in the role of his son. They perform three extremely powerful duets developed to text that was entirely inspired by alcohol! “Lara was talking to John and I one night … we were both pissed … she wrote down everything we said!” says artistic director Alfred Hinkel.
John is the kind of man that in the words of author Marian Keyes bristles “… with an invisible force field that warned me not to try and touch him under any circumstances.” It’s perfect for his role as he stoically rejects every advance Douglas makes to regain his attention and affection.
John grew up in a family of nine children in Okiep, Namaqualand, and boasts a reputation as the best rugby player in Namaqualand and the Hantam area in the Karoo. “I was a rooker … in my gelapte jeans … I failed Afrikaans three times and eventually dropped out of school,” he says.
But a chance meeting with Alfred, who used to teach dance to John’s younger sister, was the start of an unexpected career as a dancer, teacher and choreographer. “Dance changed my lifestyle,” says John. “If I’d stayed at home I would have been a school teacher.”
Alfred’s need for a last minute replacement "to catch and lift" the female dancer in a performance pas de deux set the ball rolling. John worked as a freelancer in Namibia, Johannesburg, Sun City and the Wild Coast before joining Jazzart Dance Theatre in 1981. “I’d heard about this company of only coloured people and a few whites, so I came to Cape Town. Sun City was all ‘tits and ass’; I hated the shows but the money was there. All that mincing on stage … it wasn’t male enough for me.”

The terror of emotion

By DEBBIE HATHWAY
… sexual assault … Burmese leader … George Bush … chain to power … will of the people … coup d’etat … uprising … war against Islam … civil unrest … corruption … Somali …
The opening of PARTLY GOD is so intense; I have tears in my eyes within five minutes. That’s a good sign. "The dancers are brave, committed and disciplined ... There's no baggage. No filters," says director Lara Foot Newton.
Transnational trauma is one of the themes of PARTLY GOD. I googled it and found an April 2006 summary of the fourth conference in the Persian Gulf Initiative about transnational violence. It shows that emotion, spread through social networks, is the root cause of this type of uprising. It quoted a study of “weak-against-strong resistance in Eastern Europe throughout the Second World War. One of the best predictors of high-risk and high-sacrifice violence against occupation or political puppets was resentment, an emotion that depended upon inversions of group status. Even if the group that was placed in a higher status wasn’t a threat, it would be attacked...
“… alienation, anger, and shame have been used as descriptions of Europe’s diaspora Muslims, many of which comprise the Sunni extremist network. Emotion exists in the seemingly benign social bonds that gradually radicalise decentralised terror networks, and even today’s self-starters. Emotion galvanises populations in response to a clear change in group status. And emotion fosters the type of risk acceptance and sacrifice necessary for weak groups to take on strong militaries. Importantly, emotion in these cases is not invoked in an irrational/pathological sense, but as a normal response to the political events and social structure of daily life.
“... emotions appear integral to all the processes surrounding terror: networks, motivation, and ideology. They are central to the radicalisation story because changes in structure (e.g. wars in Afghanistan or Palestine, political repression throughout the Arab world, occupation in Iraq, etc.) affect emotion, and emotion affects the formation of one’s beliefs and the salience of one’s preferences.”
(Extracts of summary report by Nichole Argo, a Ph.D. candidate in political science at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who was research assistant to the Persian Gulf Initiative in 2005-2006.)

Language of violence

35 performers "speaking the language of violence". Bodies become missiles.
partly god's mission to explore the narrative of conflict and violence. To: "engage with that which is unspoken. A silent language which begins to occupy the space between words and conveys lived memory, the language of speechless terror". - Adrienne Sichel

The Terrorism Ahead

"Terrorism is a constant feature of human civilisation - it is neither new nor is it likely to ever end... Just as humans must contend with infectious diseases, they may also have to contend with terrorism as part of the human condition..." The Terrorism Ahead: Confronting Transnational Violence in the Twenty-First Century by Paul J. Smith (New York and London: M.E. Sharpe)

Riveting moves in rehearsal

By DEBBIE HATHWAY
It’s just over a month before Jazzart Dance Theatre’s partly god premieres in Cape Town. The boys are workshopping contact work in one studio while the girls piece together choreography in another.
Neo Muyanga of blk sonshine has composed the music and pops in to see what’s changed since he last saw a rehearsal. The girls are using his deeply impressive, melodic soundtrack − it will sound different when he plays it live on stage with a band.
Prominent classical ballet choreographer Veronica Paeper is also there watching the boys’ rehearsal. After a while, I ask her what she thinks. “It’s stunning… absolutely stunning,” she says, only averting her eyes long enough to phone her husband and tell him she’s staying for another half an hour.
We’re watching the wheelbarrow scene. “It’s got to look vicious and ugly,” says artistic director Alfred Hinkel. “At the moment they look like puftas.”
Company member Douglas Griffiths is lying on his back with his lower legs strapped to the arms of the wheelbarrow. One by one, the dancers take a flying leap into the barrow with a force that makes Douglas’ lower body arch into the air before contracting as he thrusts the barrow down again to eject them. It’s hurting his ankles and heels and they struggle to find a way of strapping that will get him through 10 performances without severe injury.
Somebody has a brainwave and Douglas declares “Dis fine.”
"Want jy’s a ghetto kind!" Alfred beams, as Douglas prepares for the next onslaught.
"We’ve got to get the image right; then she (director Lara Foot-Newton) wants me to turn this into a bigger dance number,” says Alfred.
They tackle the garbage can scene next, leaving the xenophobia and gang scenes for later. Company member Grant van Ster demonstrates, deftly taking Douglas out at the knees in a ferocious move that challenges the other dancers, particularly if they heights are incompatible.
There’s action on every beat and it’s hectic. The dancers have to be super-fit to cope. One gets knocked in the face by a stray kick; another rolls on the floor grimacing in pain as they work through another combination.
Alfred is unsympathetic. “Dis nie lekker nie. I told you when you came to the audition, go get a decent job. You wanted to be a dancer!” He says that to everyone...
Co-choreographer Sbonakalsio Ndaba advises quietly from the side: “Your body needs to relax so it goes out of control…” It’s a fight scene and it’s got to be realistic.
In the other room, co-choreographers Ina Wichterich-Mogane and Ananda Fuchs are combing steps to break the tension and give the piece a different atmosphere. It’s lighter; more rhythmical. “Why can’t the women do contact work?” asks Ina of nobody in particular. “Why is it always the men?” Ananda works in a gentle push action that satisfies them for the moment. Maybe Ina will think again when she sees how the men are punishing their bodies…

Armageddon se balaclava – by Ronald Sasman

I am the land waarop jou voete staan
Innie dae waar jy moet betaal vir oxygen soesie vegetation vergaan
Green, yellow, and red is for land…gold and blood they took from us
Which makes me wonder if in my own people I can trust
For it is greed and lust that sways us to the wayside
Getuies of pride that strangles us under the crimson tide
In the darkness of night, willie ouens my verdaala
I pray that the Almighty keeps me safe, kanala
Sterk soes masala, Kerrie en borrie spices
Infecting this world with the venom of a 1000 poisonous vipers
Staan jy sterk in days where Armageddon lost its silence
It skarrel tussen o’s toegecloak in the form of violence
It wears a pair of ego sneakers en ‘n anger baadjie
Hy wag tot jy vi frustration meet, te saam is hulle bratjies
Wa bly hulle? Number 44 conscience court
Wa hulle twee illegally op jou emotions board…

How do I feel about X. attacks?

When I heard of the burning tires, black fists clenched in hate of one another, my heart raced with fear.
My mom’s a different tribe. Living in the backyard of this eruption, will they see she’s different too? My mind raced with images of a smoke-filled, blood-spilled Johannesburg. Spaces once filled with cars now filled with the faceless anger, spears up, boots down, crunching towards amakwerekwere. The dawn will not come.
Their appetites whetted with the kill, kill, kill. Nostrils flare as the smell of crisp flesh surges them ahead. Flames dance in my brother’s eyes. The stars twice removed shine on to the bitter dawn. Somewhere across space and time, white faces ask me, “What have your people done?” and I can say nothing. How can I? I wasn’t even there.

But I remember. I remember thinking how have we come to this? I remember calling and getting no answer. I remember not sleeping, reading foreign newspapers, watching my country fall apart. I remember wanting to come home just to see if my country was still the same. I remember landing and looking at all the familiar sites, like a mother checking for scars on her baby. I saw none.
The air felt the same. There was no sign of terror. No marks left by the force. Someone erased this story. I remember looking at the mountain, hoping not to forget.
They say it was the perfect storm.

Violent J

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKTC2cpitM8

What happens when you hit him...

What Happens when you hit him…A strange thing happens…A rush of blood boils and there’s a ringing in your ears so high it hurts your eyes, and everything is too clear. Then there’s the silence. Your arms are liquid, and you hear this loud noise. Then you look at yourself and see yourself screaming. Then you strike and it stuns you. It stuns you because it’s not enough. So you do it again, and again, trying to fill up this silence.When I realize I’ve gotten him to that place where I am, where we’re on autopilot and our faces don’t look like us anymore, I get exhilarated, because he sees me. We’re together again. I’m not sorry. I’ll look down and realize I’ve been walking for a while now. I know I can’t go back until I’m sorry. Sometimes he’ll be talking and I’ll think, “Jass, I want to hit you.” Sometimes I’ll pick a fight and hope we’ll get to that point again. It’s like a rush. Sometimes it’s the only way I know he’s here. It feels good.I don’t know. I know now what it takes for me to get there, and I don’t even go near that anger anymore. Not because of them, but because I’m scared I won’t stop. We’ve both been at the height of our ugliness, and saw it in each other. It didn’t scare me…I loved him then too. I’ll go numb and I’ll see everything in extreme close-ups…his nostrils, the corner house door, the nail on the wall. My mind will not think. I remember the whole time thinking how strange it was that I can’t think. So I’ll go, “Ok, ok, ok.” trying to think. I feel nothing. I’ll try to feel sorry or something soft, but it won’t come. It’s hard to say; I’ll be completely aware of myself, but feel absolutely nothing. No remorse, no shock. It’s like I die. I’m an empty shell for a long time…and I wouldn’t mind dying, because there’s nothing left and I can’t imagine feeling that intensely about anything again. This is all me. I’ll hit him with everything that I have…everything…with all of me. I want to hurt him, and it’s overwhelming how much I try. He stops me with his force, not me. My every intention is to Fuck him up! Smash him! It’s such a burning, hot force and will. It’s pure and focused, and there’s no turning back…and that’s all there is.

Written by: Asanda Phewa